Change is a Process

New Year's Resolutions 2010

2010-12-29T00:03:00.000-07:00

Yo. It's that time again. New Year time. Oh yeah. Bye bye 2010. You weren't that great anyway. Hello, 2011! I'm looking forward to you being a little better. First I want to quickly touch on last year's resolutions and go over how I did, then write out the ones I have for this next year.

With the money resolution, I did do the things that I set out to do, but I still wasn't that great off financially this year because broke up with my boyfriend and that put a strain on me for a while. But, I did get a raise at my work (and am due to get another one sometime soon), I did another job briefly in the spring, and I became a Beachbody coach which I'm hoping will help me start earning some more money soon. Didn't save any money though. :( I guess it really is a process. Haha. I've for sure become a much better cook and plan to learn and try even more stuff in 2011. My social life was still not as hopping as I would like it to be but it was better because I put in an effort. Funny how that works, isn't it? As far as eating right and exercising, I would say I did this well for about six months of the year. In 2011 we're going for all 12. Now...what's new that I want to work on?

1. De-clutter my house.
So here's the thing. I'm really not much of a pack rat. Don't like clutter. However, in the past few years that I've been living at my house I've just gotten kind of lazy and have slowly let a lot more clutter creep up on me than I like. I haven't even gone through my closet in, oh, two years which is really strange for me seeing as how I've done that every year since I was in high school. So now I'm going to do something about this. First project will be my closet, getting rid of everything I don't like/don't wear anymore. It will be sad, only because I know it will leave it looking rather barren, but it must be done. Then I will tackle all the other clutter and get rid of the junk that I don't need. This shouldn't take me too long, so I plan to have this done in the first week or two of January.

2. Become a Diamond Beachbody coach.
I like being a Beachbody coach and do believe that their products can help a lot of people to be healthier/fitter, but I haven't really done much with it since I've become a coach. I'm going to throw myself more into it this year and hopefully help a lot of people along the way!

3. Be consistent with eating right and exercising.
Like I mentioned above, if I'm being honest I really only ate healthy and exercised regularly for about six months of 2010. That's not okay. That's not giving my best. And it's not treating my body the way it deserves. So my goal for 2011 will be to just do it all the time. I know that I can. I don't mind doing it. It's just a matter of not letting other stuff distract me or get in the way. I'm going to put some more detailed fitness resolutions on my health blog but this is just my main one.

4. Lie less.
I don't like to admit that this is something I need to change. But it is. It's rare that I lie about big, important issues. However, I often find myself telling small white lies. And I don't like it. It is something about myself that I have questioned a lot as to why I do it. And I just have gotten to the point where I would rather be honest than make myself look better, or make it so something goes more smoothly, all because of a lie. Honestly is something that I value in others, so I need to be a completely honest person myself. I've already started working on this.

5. Go to church every Sunday.
You may or may not know that I'm a Christian. But for several years I didn't go to church, for various reasons. A couple months ago I tried one out and am liking it so far, but I have not been going every week like I should. This shouldn't be too hard of a resolution to keep. I simply need to go every week unless I'm sick or working (which is rare). I know that I will be happier for it.

There we go. Five resolutions, once again, a reasonable number. And several of them should be pretty easy to change. I'm still working on some of the ones from 2010, especially the financial stuff, but I'm confident I can do all of this. Do you make New Year's resolutions?

Um...

2010-07-11T20:17:00.000-06:00

So, yeah, I would be really surprised if anyone was still reading this blog. Haven't updated in months. I guess I just haven't had much to say. For the longest time now I've been working on just surviving, just getting by, so I haven't been really focusing too much on myself, on changes I want to make.

But something has changed.

I broke up with Josh again. It actually happened about a month ago, but I guess I didn't want to write about it again until I was sure it was final. And it is. He moved out a little over a week ago, and it's been nice. I know that it was the right thing for me this time, because it wasn't the same as all the other times. It wasn't me losing my appetite for a week because I was so freaking depressed. There wasn't a hole in my heart. I didn't cry at a random thought of him. At first it started as me saying I just wanted us to take a break because I wanted to be single for a bit. Which was the truth. Because since I started dating guys, at the age of 17, I've been in a relationship. Never had any time to just be by myself and figure things out for me and not have to worry about someone else. And I knew that I wanted that before I got married. I needed it right now. Josh got used to the idea after a couple weeks and said that he would wait and we could get back together when I was ready. But then, since he moved out I had more time to examine our relationship, where it had been, where it was going, the dynamic of it, and I realized I wouldn't ever be happy for forever with him. I would do this again and again and again. Breaking up for some reason (so far: another guy, we're just too different, I want to be single), and then getting back together again. And it wasn't fair to him in the slightest. I couldn't keep killing a little part of him every time I grow restless. So I told him we're done for good. Who knows, maybe I'm just not meant for marriage.

And now, for the first time since high school, I'm single. Truly single. It's odd, but nice. I do get bored a little too easily, but I'm not lonely, which I think is a good sign. I just need to figure out some activities to fill my time, ~~maybe~~ definitely find some more friends. It is very nice though, not having to pick up after other people's messes. Being able to walk around my house naked (TMI? whatever, it's my blog), not getting upset at someone else because their schedule is completely different than mine, being able to flirt with guys and not feel guilty about it. So that's what's been going on with me lately. I plan on using this time to really focus on me and figure out what I want. But at the moment, I have to just focus on figuring out how to pay my bills, do better at work, and stuff like that. I'll post again when I have something more to say.

happy dance

2010-03-27T12:19:00.001-06:00

If you've been following my blog for a while, you might remember that I applied for a Census 2010 job back in, oh...I think it was early January. I was hopeful that I'd get this job because it pays $13 an hour which is a lot more than I make now, and we are super tight on money. When I first applied, they indicated that we would probably be receiving calls if we were hired starting in late February. So when I didn't get a call in February, or early March, or mid-March, I kind of gave up hope that I'd be getting it. But today I got a call! And they hired me! Whoo! I'm starting in early May and it's expected to only last about eight weeks, but I'm so grateful that at least for a little while we'll have some extra money. It'll give us a chance to ~~buy lots of nifty stuff~~ stash money away in savings. So that's my bright spot this weekend.

I also forgot to mention that last Saturday I went out with one of my friends that I haven't had much contact with lately, as well as a bunch of her friends that I didn't know, and I had a blast! I think a lot of what is keeping me from being really social, at least with the few friends I have, is this belief I have that I'm not fun or "cool" or whatever it is I'm supposed to be to be worthy of having a social life. But I am fun. And cool in my own way. And I'm going to actually call that friend more often because I have a lot of fun when we hang out.

Have a great weekend, everybody!

Expensive car repair AVERTED!

2010-03-04T22:25:00.000-07:00

Today I'm grateful that what I thought was wrong with my car was not. This past week my car died several times, for no reason, and I had to get it jumped. Then it got to the point that it was dying every time I shut it off, so I knew I had to get something replaced or fixed. I asked a couple people about it and they said it was probably the battery or the alternator. The battery in my car had not been replaced the entire time I've owned it (over four years), so I figured that needed changing, but some people also made me think that it was probably the alternator. And those things are expensive. At least expensive for my broke ass. So I got a price on the alternator, and I was calling around for quotes and everything, resigned to the fact that I'd have to spend a few hundred to get my car going again. But then a guy at my work convinced me to actually get the alternator tested, and it's fine! The starter's fine, too. All I had to do was get my battery replaced. :) Stupid mechanic that told me there was something wrong with the alternator. Anyway, it pretty much made my day to just buy a battery and have my car working again within fifteen minutes.

Yay for jobs!

2010-03-03T14:52:00.000-07:00

Today I'm grateful because Josh got a new job after being out of work for only three weeks. Not a better job than his last one, but it is a job and in this economy we are grateful. I didn't mention that he was laid off from his old job 'cause I didn't want to dwell on it, and he got unemployment, and we'd just gotten our tax returns, so really, it could have been much worse. And even though he liked the actual job, he worked with a lot of douchebags, so I'm happy he doesn't have to deal with them anymore. Oh, and our LoveSac finally came today! Yay!

So, what are you grateful for today?

Disappointed

2010-02-27T15:11:00.000-07:00

Today I had to get a new contact lens exam in order to renew my prescription. Which pissed me the hell off because I don't think it's right that we have to pay over $100 once a year just to have the doctor tell us our eyes are the same. But whatever, my eyes weren't the same. They were a tiny bit worse. And I'm upset by this because my eyes are pretty much the one thing that's really wrong with my body. I have a prescription of -.450. For anyone who doesn't wear contacts or glasses, that's really bad.

And maybe I'm stupid for thinking I can change them, but ever since I saw The Secret, and heard all those stories of people changing things that were much more detrimental, I thought, Hey, maybe I can do that. So I tried. I've tried meditating, I've tried thinking positive thoughts, I've tried imagining that my eyes are better, everything. And it doesn't seem to work. A year and two months since I first got contacts, and my eyes are only worse. I'm just worried that if I don't figure out a way to fix them now that I'll be blind by the time I'm old. And Lasik surgery won't work. The problem is severe myopia, so yeah. I guess I don't know what the point of this post is, other than I'm sad about it.

But I guess I can look past the disappointment and be grateful that I have my sight, period. I'm sure a lot of blind people would love to simply have crappy vision. And it's great that I live in a time where we have contacts. I really hated glasses all the years I had them.

Friend's Birthday

2010-01-28T21:17:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday was one of my good friend's birthday, so I had a reason to do something. Yay! First I went out with Karlie to grab dinner at one of the bars in town (that has the best bread pudding ever!), and then we went over to the birthday girl's house to get our party on. Basically we just drank and amused ourselves at her house, which was fine. But you know, it's amazing to me how easily alcohol can turn a bad time into a good time. The first two hours I was there, I was frankly quite bored. I didn't feel like drinking much, I was annoyed with some of the people there, just wasn't having a good time. But then I decided if I was gonna be there, I might as well have fun, so I took some shots, and suddenly I'm having a good time! Fantastic.

But it makes me think, I wish I could have fun without alcohol. And I definitely can. It's just, with the friends I have, that's usually what they like to do to have fun. So I don't know what else to do. So tell me, blog friends, what do you guys do with your friends when you want to have a good time? Stuff that doesn't involve alcohol, or at least is not centered around that. Something that can be done in a small town.

Avatar

2010-01-23T01:33:00.000-07:00

Last night I saw my second movie this month (holy crap I'm seeing a bunch of movies lately!): Avatar. Oh my goodness, people, if you have not seen this movie yet, get thyself to a theater right now and watch it! Preferably in 3D, but if you live in a lame-ass town like moi which has not gotten with the 21st century movie technology, then it will be spectacular in 2D as well.

No seriously, I freaking loved this movie. I would recommend it to anybody. Even if you're not a fan of science fiction, because really, although it's centered around another planet and a different race and they're trying to get some awesome made-up mineral, it's not about the science fiction. It's very political, but if for some reason you disagree with the political message it's sending out, no worries. Just focus on the amazing visuals and great acting and you'll be happy. I don't quite understand people getting depressed after seeing the movie, as the news has said, but I do understand realizing that there could easily be something far more amazing than our world out there. Or that our world was great but, to an extent, we have killed it. Anywho, yeah, I enjoyed it.

By the way, today I saw a spider, and I killed it without freaking out, like normal. Then I saw another spider later and I thought, You know what, maybe I should let it be. That spider is probably eating all the other unpleasant bugs that I don't like. So the spider's life was spared. More progress?

Extra Hours

2010-01-09T21:07:00.000-07:00

Today, on my third day off in a row this week, I was grateful to be called in to work for a few extra hours. Most people wouldn't think being called in on their day off is a good thing, but I really need the money. It's nice that they think of me first to call in. I have such a poor social life (yeah, haven't quite remedied that yet) that I'm usually available. Anyway, short post tonight but I'm trying to think of stuff that helps me remain positive about our current situation. :)

My House

2010-01-08T18:07:00.000-07:00

Today I'm grateful for my house. It's actually a townhome, but it is a lot nicer than living in an apartment. I was able to get into by a spot of good luck. I worked with the previous tenant, and she knew that Josh and I were looking for a place to live. So she mentioned she was moving out soon, and I should contact the landlord (who is the owner of the place I used to work at) and see about moving in. Well, we were able to move in very easily, no credit check, or deposit, or any of that junk. And I like this place a lot. It is a two-bedroom, one-bathroom, has a nice basement that is partially finished, has a good washer and dryer (major bonus!), and it has a fireplace, which Josh really enjoys. It's the nicest place I've started living on my own.

*If you don't want to read about my whininess, then you should probably stop here.*

I posted this because I just had a breakdown. Things have been hard for us financially lately, and I really want to turn that around but at the moment I don't know how. We haven't really been able to afford anything but bills and some food, and after it being like this for months, and especially since we used to actually have some disposable income, it's taken a toll on me. Then today Josh told me that they cut his hours at work in half from what he normally gets just because they felt like giving the hours to someone else, who is a crappier worker. That was the straw that broke this camel's back. I just started crying and going into a spiral of negativity which is really weird for me because I'm usually a rather positive person and I don't let a lot of stuff get me down, but I just couldn't stop thinking that nothing's going to change and we're going to be stuck broke, just barely getting by, forever. I know it's silly thinking, but yeah. So I was sitting here, crying, thinking that there is nothing good in my life right now (except for Josh) and I realized that was not true and I needed to write out something that is good and I am grateful for. And the first thing that came to mind was my house. Even if it is slightly expensive given our budget. And after writing this I realized how silly I'm being because there are people out of work right now, and who have health problems, and who don't have a place to stay, or are forced to stay with friends or family or something. So I guess things are good, relative to that.

Sherlock Holmes

2010-01-03T00:07:00.000-07:00

Last night I went to see Sherlock Holmes with Josh. This was nice because I don't think I've seen a movie since mid-September. We've just been too broke to see any, even though there are at least five or six I would have liked to see.

It was really good. Just a fun, light, fairly action-packed movie. Robert Downey Jr. was fabulous as always, and Jude Law held his own quite well as Watson. I'd recommend this movie to everyone. Later this month we plan on going to see Avatar, but we have to go to Utah to see it in 3D. I'm really excited for that because I've heard such great things about it.

Today I'm grateful that my bank account did not get overdrawn. We made a mistake and took out too much money when there was still a check that had not gone through, and we had money to put in but couldn't do it until today because of the holiday yesterday. I was worried the check would go through before we put money in and we'd be out $30, but thank the Lord, that was not the case. Whew. :)

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

I had fun last night. Hope everyone else did, too. I was planning on going out to the bar and dancing like I usually do, but I decided not to, and my friend that did said it was lame anyway. Instead, I rang in the new year watching fireworks with Josh, and then I went over to my friend's place to get my drink on. I got drunk surprisingly fast. Now, I'm always a lightweight because I only drink once, maybe twice a month, and I have a fast metabolism, and I'm thin, but I was rather tipsy after two Mike's Hard Lemonades and half of a strong vodka collins. Looking back, it's probably because I had not had much to eat yesterday, so I was practically drinking on an empty stomach. Which is never good. I felt fine last night but this morning I woke up feeling a little funny. My head was fine, as usual, but I felt a little sick. Not to where I couldn't get up, just not necessarily feeling the greatest. It was my fault, for not treating my body right yesterday by eating good food throughout the day. Ah well. I feel fine now, and I'm making some good, semi-healthy food for today. :)

How was your New Year's Eve?

New Year's Resolutions

2009-12-27T20:40:00.000-07:00

So I had a nice Christmas (except for the fact that the Laker's lost, badly), how was everyone else's? My favorite gifts were the Rachael Ray 10-Piece Porcelain Enamel Cookware Set, Chocolate (it's so nice to have non-stick pans now that are actually non-stick, and I love the color!), a tableware set (included dishes, glasses, napkins, etc.), and a Victoria's Secret gift card. :-D

Considering this blog is all about making changes in different areas of my life, I'd think it to be pretty obvious that I make New Year's resolutions. I know a lot of people think they're dumb, but I don't. I think it's dumb to decide to make changes only at the beginning of the new year, but if you decide to make them then, it's as good a time to start as any. In the past my success with the resolutions has been hit or miss. For 2009 one of the resolutions I made was to lose some weight, start exercising again, and eat healthier, and I did all this for most of the year. But another resolution was to be a bit better off financially, and that didn't really happen. I realized that in order for a resolution to work for me, I have to make a specific plan of action for how it's going to work. And also, if it's something big, such as getting over a phobia, I have to focus on just that, and not changing a bunch of other things at the same time. So here are my resolutions for the year. Some, I might write about on this blog and keep you updated on my progress, but not all of them, because some things are just too boring to write about.

1. Make more money and save more money. I'm making a lot less at my job now than at my previous one, and it's making us really tight financially. So in this next year, I need to either get a raise at my job (I plan on talking to my boss about this soon), or I need to find other ways to bring in income. One of the things I plan to do in the spring is hopefully be get a job for the 2010 census, but I also plan to look into things like maybe becoming a Pampered Chef consultant or something like that because I like to cook and think that could be fun. As far as saving more money, I'm going to encourage Josh that we figure out an amount to automatically set aside each month because I think it's really important to have savings for when unexpected stuff happens. But don't worry, I'm not going to bore you all with talking about my financial situation throughout the year, I'm just listing it here so that I remember that this was one of the goals I wanted to achieve.

2. Become a better cook. I've already stated that I want to do this, but since it's something I'll be doing for much of 2010, I guess it can be a New Year's resolution. You can check out my progress on my other blog. Hopefully by the end of the year I'll have tried and mastered a lot more dishes than I have currently.

3. Have a better social life. I often complain about how I have no life. About how I work and I sit at home and run errands and that's pretty much it. And it's true. But a lot of it is my fault. I don't have a really large group of friends, but I do have a few in this town, it's just that I hardly ever put forth the effort to call them and make plans and hang out and actually do stuff. So this year, I seek to remedy this. I am going to call my friends, we are going to go out and have fun and remember why we're still friends. And I'm going to make sure to include all of them instead of just a couple because I like all my friends for different reasons, and I hate that thing that happens where you're really good friends with someone, and then that just starts to fade because neither of you make the effort to keep in touch. I'd also like to expand my social circle, but I'm pretty picky when it comes to people I actually like to hang out with, so we'll see how that goes.

4. Get back on track with eating right and exercising. I know, I know, everyone makes this resolution, it seems, but I really don't think this'll be too hard for me. My eating generally is very good when I'm able to cook at home, and I just haven't been able to lately due to our financial situation. But we will be back on track in January so I'll be able to cook healthy, properly portioned meals at home again. Yay! And I just need to get back in to the swing of exercising. I really do love it but holiday stuff made it so it become a lower priority to me, and I don't want it to continue to be like that. I'm going to be trying out a couple new things at the beginning of the year because I get bored easily, and I'll let you know how they work for me.

There we go. Four things doesn't seem too hard to manage. So, do you believe in making New Year's resolutions? If you do, what are yours for the year? I'd love to hear them.

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-24T17:16:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to give a Merry Christmas shout-out to all because I'm sure I won't be able to post tomorrow. May your holiday be joyful, filled with good food, friends, and family.

Today I'm grateful that the forecast for tomorrow is fine weather for traveling, as I'm going to visit my parents again that live about an hour and a half away.

Drunkenness

2009-12-19T23:20:00.000-07:00

So last night I went out to the bar with a couple friends to drink and dance. It was mucho fun. I got pretty dang drunk, but not passing out on the floor throwing up drunk. But what I'm grateful for is that I don't appear to get hangovers. I've gotten very drunk quite a few times since turning 21 and I've never had a hangover. Maybe if I got to the passing out stage I would, but really, that's not my thing. So I'm very grateful for that because I don't have to worry about how I'm going to feel in the morning.

Potential Job/Improvement

2009-12-09T11:29:00.000-07:00

Today I'm grateful for a new job opportunity. I currently have a full-time job, and I like it well enough, but it doesn't pay me well at all. So I recently found out about the positions for 2010 census takers and decided to apply for that job. It pays really well (better than my last job even), it's just a temporary job, and the hours are flexible. It won't start until late winter/early spring, but we had to apply early. So I took the test today and did well and there doesn't seem to be anything else stopping them from hiring me, so I'm pretty sure I'll be getting a call sometime early next year for the job. This is great because it'll provide some much needed extra income for a little while.

The other night I had to do the closing dishes at my job again. Four hours of dishes. However, it was not nearly as bad as last time because I chose a better method of doing them, and so things went a lot faster and with less hassle. I actually found myself not hating it that much because I was like, Wow, this is so much easier. So I got done on time, doing everything myself, which is not how it was the first time. That made me happy and now I won't dread it so much in the future because I know I'm able to actually get everything done.

My Cat & New Cookware

2009-12-06T01:09:00.000-07:00

Today I want to express two things I'm grateful for. The first is that my cat is finally using her litter box again. Yes, for a couple months, she was refusing to use it. I don't know why. All I know is that it started with her peeing on my clothes whenever she could. This was very irritating and a lot of people would have probably gotten rid of a pet for doing this but I love her dearly so I put up with it and just tried to prevent her from doing it by not letting much laundry build up and keeping her out of my room as much as possible. But she found other places to pee because we recently acquired another roommate, and so she started peeing on HIS stuff, and that was just unacceptable because he shouldn't have to put up with a cat that he doesn't love messing up his stuff. And then recently she started pooping outside of the litter box, too. Not on clothes or anything, just on the cement basement floor. Again, a lot of people probably would've said, "Screw this," but I'm a softy. So I finally took the advice of something I'd read on the internet saying to put the cat in the bathroom for two days with their litter box, food, and water, so they'll basically be "re-trained" to use it. That sounded a little drastic to me when I first read it, but it came to the point recently where I didn't know what else to do. So for two days I locked Darla in the bathroom, and was sad about it, but she was forced to use the litter box, and now she has continued using it even though she's free again. This makes me very happy.

I'm also thankful to my parents who sent me my Christmas present early this year. I've told them how I'm cooking a lot more nowadays but do not have any nice cookware, so they got me a beautiful new set of nonstick pots and pans in a lovely chocolate brown. I love them! I can't wait to start cooking with them and see if it makes a difference in how things turn out, because the nonstick on my other pans is just terrible, and these should also distribute heat more evenly. Yay! Thanks, Mom and Dad.

And oh my goodness, I know that I'm supposed to be saying something positive about my day next but it is currently a windchill outside of 12 motherfucking degrees below zero and with the wind howling at 25 mph and it's supposed to snow for the next three days and I just cannot say anything postive about that. Damn! I hate Wyoming weather! *sighs* Sometimes, I've just got to rant.

My Body/Sleeping In

2009-12-02T21:29:00.000-07:00

Whew! I just got done with a great workout that consisted of a 45 minute cardio DVD, a yoga core workout, and then a 10-minute booty blaster DVD. It felt great. Today I'm grateful for my body. Not even necessarily for what it looks like (although I certainly don't mind how it looks) but just for how well it functions. I'm SO happy that I'm able to exercise the way I do and pretty much tell my body to do anything (within reason) and it will do it. This is something I have always been sure to express my gratitude for because my mom has rheumatoid arthritis which prevents her from doing most things that everybody takes for granted, such as walking or standing for a few minutes at a time. She would have loved to have been able to exercise every day, go running, take the stairs, but she wasn't able to. So I try to remember that I'm so fortunate to have what I do have, because there are other people that would kill for that. I'm also constantly thankful that it works correctly in pretty much every way, except for my eyes. Not many people nowadays can say that they don't have allergies, don't have any conditions, etc., but I can (thanks, Mom and Dad!). But I do have to mention that lately I have been a little bit lazy. Not exactly sure why, but I've only been cranking out a couple days of exercise a week when usually I can easily do five. This is unacceptable, and I was so glad to read Jack Sh*t's post today about lame excuses for not exercising. It really gave me the kick in the butt that I needed and I ended up doing a great, long workout tonight because of it. So thanks, Jack!

Today I slept in. And anyone who knows me knows I hate waking up late in the day. I hate sleep, in fact. Think it's a waste of time. I mean, freakin' a, we have to spend a third of ours lives sleeping. A third! That's ridiculous to me. However, instead of staying upset at myself morning for not waking up when I wanted to, I reminded myself that there are a lot of people who would love to be able to sleep in once in a while but they can't because of things like a job that starts early, kids, and the like. So, I guess I really should just be happy that I have the freedom to do that, because I wouldn't want to have to wake up super early every day either.

Kitchen/Models

2009-12-02T01:52:00.000-07:00

Today I'm grateful for my kitchen. It's a nice kitchen. Appropriately sized for what my house is. Decent counter space, LOTS of cupboard space, a pantry, a normal-sized refrigerator, a good dishwasher. Yeah. I like it. I made dinner and a dessert today in my kitchen, and most of the time when I cook in it I find myself being grateful for it because even though it is a rather humble kitchen compared to what a kitchen can be nowadays, it is nicer than many I have cooked in. It's great to have this because it makes it so cooking is not a chore.

Tonight was the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show which is pretty much my favorite thing on TV each year (well, I guess it could be a close tie with my Lakers kicking ass in the playoffs). I love it because I love lingerie, I love Victoria's Secret, and I like seeing all the models and the fun outfits they come up with. It's just great to me. But as I was watching it I was thinking, Man, I wish I was a glamorous model. Then I thought, wait a second! No I don't. I mean, I guess that'd be cool. But there are so many great things about not being a glamorous model (bear with me here). I am not subjected to the scrutiny of millions of eyes on every part of my body, saying I'm too-this or not-enough-that. I'm able to eat what I want and not worry if I gain four pounds. And I'm not surrounded by a life of superficiality. So you know what? I like being me. I like my life.

Lack of Food Poisoning/Music Makes Everything Better

2009-12-01T02:16:00.000-07:00

Today I'm grateful that I did not have food poisoning. If you're thinking that's odd, let me explain. This morning I woke up a little after 9 to terrible stomach pains. It felt like someone was taking my lower intestines and twisting them. This was no normal stomach ache for sure. I tried going to the bathroom but all that did was render me curled up in pain on the bathroom floor (the coolness felt good). I returned to the bed, still clutching my stomach and in pain. I was sure this must be what food poisoning was. The thought that it would be like this all day scared me, and I definitely didn't want to have to call in to work. But after about ten minutes of the pain, it subsided. The cause still remains a mystery to me, but I was very happy that I was able to go about my day normally.

My closing job tonight at work was to wash the dishes. A hellish amount of dishes. Four hours worth. Not a fun job for sure, but I kept my perky attitude throughout because the one good thing about this job is you get to listen to music. So I kept telling myself, "Being up to my elbows in grease sure isn't fun, but at least I can rock out to Fall Out Boy!"

My Job/Working Late

2009-11-29T23:31:00.000-07:00

Today I'm grateful for my job. I'm sure you all know I was out of work for a little over a month and it was really hard because I hate feeling useless, and it put quite a financial strain on our household. The job I got was one I honestly did not think I would enjoy very much at all, but the promise of a constant flow of money, albeit less than I was used to, sustained me. Well, I'm glad to report that it is not a bad job at all. It is another food service job, but I don't mind it. I don't have a real problem with any of the crew that I work with or any of the management. And I like the way they manage things, too. It seems to me to be better than my previous job. I'm grateful to have a job where I'm not worrying about sexual harassment, where I'm not having to deal with stupid drama and bullshit, where managers don't play favorites. It makes me happy.

I volunteered to close tomorrow night for someone because they didn't want to. I did this thinking that Josh closed at his job so that way we'd be off around the same time. When I came home Josh told me he doesn't close. So at first I was mad that I'd have to be closing and missing time with him when I wasn't even originally scheduled to do that. But then I realized that it is a good thing because I will be picking up an extra hour (this is good because I'm often sent home earlier than my scheduled off time), and I will be learning one of the closing positions which will make me more valuable. Ah. It was nice to look at something in a positive way. :)

Gratitude and Finding the Good in Everything

2009-11-28T22:16:00.000-07:00

Something I've always wanted to be is one of those people who is able to find the good in every situation and every person. I've never been like that. I consider myself a pretty optimistic and generally happy person, but I can also be very cynical and easily irritated by the little things. This is something I'd like to change about myself because I really admire that trait in others. I'd also like to do something to remind myself how grateful I am for all the good things in my life.

So while I'm doing my cooking project, I've also decided to do something simple for this blog. Every day I'm going to post one thing that I am grateful for and something that I find good about a situation I'm in, someone I know, the place I live in, etc. Maybe if I do this everyday it will become second nature to just see that all the time, and I'll finally be like all those people I admire. I'll start today.

I'm grateful for my car. My car is nothing "special" or particularly flashy. It's a 2000 Hyundai Sonata that I got from a really great car dealer (didn't know those existed, did ya?) for a good deal right after I had totaled my very first car after a week of having it. It's a dark green sedan, has a sun roof and a decent stereo system considering I've never done anything with it. I've had this car since the summer of 2005 and it's been such a good car. I've named it Stephen (everyone names their cars, right?...right?), and he has never let me down. I hear crappy stories all the time from just about everybody I know about how their car gets flats constantly (ahem, Josh), about how it randomly breaks down on them, about how something went wrong and now it's costing them $2,000 to fix it. So crappy. Well, Stephen's freaking great. In the little over four years that I've had him he's only ever gotten one flat. And it's not because I keep up on my maintenance all great or anything like that. I've only ever replaced all the tires once, and there have been a few occasions when I way over-inflated them and the mechanics were surprised I didn't have a blow-out. And he's never broken down on me. I have had to get some costly maintenance done a few times, but it's the normal stuff that you have to get done on any car. But he always waited patiently for that maintenance to be done, driving well even if he was really overdue for an oil change or whatever needed to be done at the time. So yeah, I love my car. It's all paid off now and I plan to use it for as long as I can.

Now for something good... I would say the fact that Josh and I have a roommate right now, his step-brother Pat, is actually a good thing. When the idea was first brought up to me back in early September I almost immediately told Josh that I didn't want that. I thought it would be weird, and he would be in the way, blah blah. But when I lost my job and we were tight on money, I warmed up to the idea. Now he's living with us and it's not bad. It makes it so we have extra money, he's not really in the way or a bad roommate in any way, and I think it's nice for Josh because he always has a guy to hang out with.

Cooking Blog

2009-11-25T12:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I have finally started my cooking blog. If you'd like, please follow me over there at Goddess of Cooking (in Training). I'm starting with "The Comfort Table" by Katie Lee Joel so you're in for a lot of traditional Southern dishes. Yum!

If I decide I want to work on anything else other than cooking while I'm working on that, I'll post over here again, but otherwise I'll just be working on that blog for a while. By the way, I enjoy my new job. It's not crappy like I was afraid it was going to be. The only downside is it's such lower pay than what I was making at my other job, but that's life. I'm just happy that I'm working again. And tomorrow I'm able to travel to my parents and bring a couple dishes because of that work.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Huzzah!

2009-10-28T17:01:00.000-06:00

I finally have a job, people! I'm going in tomorrow for the paperwork and all that crap. It definitely wasn't my first choice, but it is a job and I shall be grateful because now we'll be able to pay all our rent at the first of the month and buy groceries again. How awesome is that?

Speaking of buying groceries, I think I've decided what I want to do for my next "change." I enjoy cooking a lot. Ever since I got my own place back in January, with a semi-decent kitchen, and have had time to cook, I try to do it as often as I can. It really is much cheaper than eating out, and since I live in a crap town with no good places to eat, it only takes about five days of eating out before there's absolutely nowhere we want to go and I just want to cook something delicious from one of my many cookbooks. (Wow, run-on sentence much?) However, despite my love for cooking, I think I'm pretty mediocre. I can do the basic stuff, and do it fairly well, but there's a ton of different dishes I've never made, even if they're kind of easy. Like making homemade macaroni and cheese. (I know, right?) It's kind of sad. Because I want to get better. I want to be a friggin' great cook. A Goddess of Cooking. Aww yeah. I want Josh to always be excited about what I'm cooking instead of just being appreciative about the fact that I cook for him but not necessarily enjoying everything I make. I want to know that the food I can make at home is better than anything the restaurants serve in this stupid town. Now, maybe the fact that I try to cook mostly healthy stuff is what makes it so Josh isn't always excited about what I'm making. But I'm kind of thinking about changing that. Mixin' it up a little. I've pretty much always had portion control on lockdown so even if I was making less than healthy meals, I doubt it would hurt me much, at least in the weight department.

SO. What to do to get better? Ever since watching Julie & Julie (really cute movie, by the way), I thought the idea of picking a cookbook to cook all the recipes out of was super cool and a great way to get better and push your culinary boundaries. So I think I'm going to do that, especially considering I've seen a lot of other blogs from people doing the same thing so it wouldn't be completely lame for me to copy the idea. I own ten cookbooks, all different types of food and authors and styles of cooking. And from each of these cookbooks, I've only cooked maybe five recipes, tops, from each. Pathetic. So sometime in the next week I'm going to pick a cookbook that I want to cook through. None of the ones I own are anything terribly complex, but I know that if I actually cook through an entire book I will learn a lot and become more skilled in my techniques. BUT, I don't want to turn this into a cooking blog. I like the idea of having a separate blog for that. So I've decided to create a different blog for all the cooking stuff, because I'm sure I'll want to continue with it even after I feel I've gotten past the point of mediocre, and I'll just take a break from this one for a while. If you guys want to follow me and my culinary prowess (ha!) over there, then I'll post a link when I start posting. I haven't actually chosen a cookbook yet, nor do I have the funds to buy food for the recipes. Oh, and whenever I find a damn tarantula to hold, I'll post that back here.

On Again

2009-10-14T20:44:00.000-06:00

After much deliberation, I have decided to try again with Josh.

I appreciated all the advice I got, and particularly thought it was good advice to wait a little while and see if he makes the changes he says he will. I planned on doing that actually. But the more I thought about it, I just didn't want to wait that long. I missed him, he missed me, and I guess I just wanted things to be back to normal and I'm just going to take his word that things will be better and that he will change because I know he wants this to work as much as I do. So he moved back in the other day, and things are going good so far. It also helps because I'm not as stressed about my financial situation now. Oh, and I had an interview yesterday so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I get the job!

This morning we did have a small fight about something that I didn't think would be an issue but it was to him. So, unlike in the past, I tried to really take his feelings into account and do what I could to make it better. He was still a little upset when I left the house to go exercise, but when I got back he was apologetic for getting upset, and he had cleaned up some parts of the house (he hardly ever cleaned in the past). So that's progress. :) He's also working on doing a couple other things right now that I think will be really good for him in the long run. I just had such a hard time giving up on our relationship, you know? I mean, I could have if I'd been with someone else, but once I realized I was going to be alone and he was telling me everything he was, I just couldn't do it. He used that "You make me want to be a better person" line. But I don't think he was lying when he said that, saying it just so I would get back together with him. I really do believe that he wants to be better/different than he has been. I think it will make him happier, not just me. So yeah, I'm happy again, and now I can finally focus on the next thing that I want to change about me. I'll make a post about that once I figure it out.

Complications

2009-10-09T17:37:00.001-06:00

Ever since I told my friend I didn't think we could date, Josh has been trying to get back together with me. You know, I was doing good, starting to get used to the idea of being on my own, it was sad, but I had gotten used to it, but now he's trying to get me to come back to him. Not that I think this would be a terrible idea, I just am very cautious about it.

See, Josh and I talked yesterday about exactly everything that went wrong, both on my end and his. My end is pretty easily fixable, in fact, it already wouldn't be an issue anymore. His end, however, I'm not so sure. I told him how I needed someone more like me, someone who shared my vision for what I wanted for life and wasn't going to tell me I was silly or put me down or resent me for wanting what I do. I want someone who will be there with me, living and enjoying life right by my side. I don't want an ordinary life. I don't want to just float by, never experiencing the pure joy that life can bring. So I broke up with him because I felt (and he was showing) that he was not going to be what I wanted, he was not going to share my path.

But he said he's been thinking about it a lot lately and has realized that he does have to be more than he has been, if not for me than for the next girl he falls in love with. That he's sick of being boyfriend-material but not husband-material. And he told me that he could be what I wanted and we could live that wonderful life together. *sighs* I'm just so confused and unsure about what I want now. I love him so much, and I still miss him, but I'm so afraid of having to go through this all over again. And I don't want him to have to go through the pain all over again either. It's like I'm taking a pretty big risk no matter what I do. On one side, if I don't get back together with him, I'm taking a risk hoping I can find the man who wants what I want for life that I can also love and who will love me back. But on the other hand, if I do get back with Josh, I know that I'm getting that passionate, great love that we have, but I'm taking a risk in that I don't know if we'll work out this time, and we could get our hearts broken all over again... Why can't I just have everything? Haha.

Damn, I sound so whiney and lame. Sorry about that. But it's just how I feel. And this blog was never intended to be a place for me to pour out my thoughts about my relationships, but right now I can't really concentrate on anything else before I get all this stuff figured out for good. Any advice is always welcome.

Figuring Things Out

2009-10-07T21:00:00.000-06:00

Tonight was kind of hard. I've mentioned on here a couple times, I think, that I have a really good guy friend who has been wanting to date me. Ever since I broke up with Josh, I figured I would give him a shot, but I had to get myself used to the idea first. Well, it's been over two weeks, and I still cannot feel what I need to feel for him. So I told him that today because it felt like I was basically leading him on, and I didn't want to keep doing that. He was sad, of course, and I felt terrible for hurting one of my good friends like that, but I had to be honest with how I felt. Sometimes I think it really sucks that I seem to have all the power in my relationships (or would-be relationships).

So now I'm really alone. And I don't know how exactly I'm going to pay my bills for the rest of the month. I think I'll be getting a job this next week, but that's still going to make me tight. I must believe that God will provide. I'm still missing Josh, too, but it's getting better. I've pretty much had steady boyfriends for the past four years. It'll be kind of weird to be alone for a little while.

Oh, I almost forgot to say thank you to my readers for the supportive and helpful comments you guys have been leaving. I really do appreciate it. :)

Quick Update

2009-10-01T20:57:00.000-06:00

I realized I should probably make a quick post about how I'm doing. How I'm doing is better. Right now I'm a little confused, but the pain I was feeling last week is pretty much gone. I hardly cry about it anymore. It's more been replaced by loneliness, and by missing the things I used to do with him. But I know that'll get better, too. Right now I know that I need space and time to figure out what I want so that's what I'm try to give myself.

I have a guy friend who really wants to date me, but I've been friends with him so long that I'm having to try to get my mind to see him differently. We're really good friends, and we have great conversations, we're so alike in a lot of ways, agree about a lot of things, etc., so I figure we could probably be a good couple, but right now I just don't see him that way. However, I would like to give him a chance, so I'm working on it.

I'm Honored

2009-09-24T21:34:00.000-06:00

So, I just received the Honest Scrap award from Tammy over at From Fat to Fab. She's one of my favorite bloggers, and I was pleasantly surprised to receive any kind of award. This blog is more for me, I don't think it's anything particularly special or interesting, but I'm glad that someone likes it. So I guess the rules are I have to give it out to ten other people and then list ten things about myself that my readers don't already know. Alright.

First, the award now goes to...

Lyn @ Escape from Obesity
Fat Daddy @ Fat Daddy Rants
Carlos @ You're Gonna Need a Bigger Boat...
TJ Renee @ TJ's Weigh or the Highway
Tricia @ Fight Fat Phobia
Sheryl @ *Bitch Cakes*: A Neurotic Glamour Girl's Weight Watchers Experience and Fitness Adventures
Tammy @ From Fat to Fab (am I allowed to award back?)
Jack Sh*t @ Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit
Dana @ To the Best of My Ability
Tony @ I Don't Want to Die of a Heart Attack When I'm 25

Sorry I couldn't give the award to everyone on my blogroll, because I do greatly enjoy all the blogs I follow.

So now for ten things about me that you guys don't know. Um, I might put a couple things that I've mentioned offhand before. I'm not a very interesting person, so you'll all just have to deal.

1. I have a cat named Darla who I love very, very dearly. She's a beautiful calico, and she's thin and graceful and has one of the most expressive cat faces I've ever seen. I got her when she was just a kitten, a couple months old, and I was living in my first place on my own. She kept me company and is very bonded to me. My friends always say I talk to her/treat her like she's a person. I hope she lives for 20 years.

2. I'm very comfortable with my body. Moreso than pretty much anyone I know. It's pretty nice, but I definitely wouldn't say it's perfect. However, I'm still completely comfortable with it. I like to walk around the house naked when I can get away with it, and I've done a fair amount of nude art modeling. In my opinion, the human body is pretty much the most beautiful thing God made, and more people should be comfortable with theirs.

3. If I could do anything at all for my life, like as my career, without any regard to money or, you know, my actual ability, it would be to dance. I have not really done much dance for a while, but I did when I was younger and it made me feel amazing. I developed a passion for it very quickly and miss it so much. The sad thing is I was only ever mediocre, but I still loved it. I also have no qualms about dancing anywhere if the music moves me. Sure, I get some funny looks, but they just wish they were as free-spirited as me.

4. My taste in music is pretty varied. My two favorite artists are Tool and Tori Amos (check them out if you don't know who they are, they're both amazing), but I like most kinds of music. Everything from classical, to a little hip-hop, to rock, to pop. Music snobs don't know what they're missing out on. Most stuff can be good in it's own right if it's done well.

5. I kissed two girls, and I liked it. ;)

6. I've never done drugs, never taken a drag of a cigarette, and I probably had three or four sips of alcohol before I turned 21.

7. I have a daughter who is just over a year old now. I got pregnant with her when I was 19 and completely was not ready for a kid, but the father was much older than me and had wanted a child for a long time. So I decided to give him full custody. I basically don't have any rights to her, kind of like an adoption, but she gets to be with her actual father. He's an amazing father, and although the decision hurts, I know it was the right one for me.

8. I have two best friends. One of them is someone I met on the internet about seven years ago. We've only actually met once, but I love her and she's one of the most amazing people I've ever known.

9. I'm totally a city girl. Love the atmosphere, love the shopping, love the lack of nature. Right now I live in a small town and it really sucks, but it is easier. However, once I have the money saved up and I trust that it won't take me months to find a new job, I'll definitely be moving back to Salt Lake City.

10. I come across as very shy, distant, even cold if people do not know me, but I'm actually a very goofy, fun, kind of crazy person. Also, I think a lot of people assume I'm stupid or don't have my own opinions because I care about frivolous things like fashion, but they're usually pleasantly surprised.

Whew. That was hard. Well, now you know some more random stuff about me.

Doing A Bit Better

2009-09-23T13:34:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was pretty good. I only cried a few times, and only for like, a minute each time and then I was okay. I went on a walk with Jared, one of my friends who is helping me a lot through this, and actually spent a lot of the day with him. I felt...what passes for good right now most of the time.

Then I went home when he had to go to work, but I wanted to go get something to eat, so I contacted Josh to see if he wanted to come with me. I know this is probably stupid. But he was feeling crappy yesterday, and I guess I really just want to do anything to make him feel better that doesn't involve actually being his girlfriend, and I know he enjoys seeing me, and I enjoy seeing him, so yeah. Don't judge me. Heh. He came with me to get some late-night Subway and then we went to his place and watched the last three episodes of season 4 of Lost. Oh, I was so pissed at who they killed off. That show is evil. Anywho...I did really well with being around Josh. Didn't cry a single time, didn't get the overwhelming urge to be held by him or anything. I was just enjoying being around him and being able to watch that show with him. Then I came home and was actually tired at a decent hour and was able to get to sleep, peacefully, by myself. This was really important to me. I need to prove to myself that I can move on and get over Josh and be happy by myself. I mean, I obviously have friends that are helping me out a lot, but I feel like if I use them too much then they're going to become a crutch. Like, I won't be able to deal with it on my own, and that's something that I need to be able to do. I can't depend on other people to heal my wounds all the time.

Oh, by the way, Josh told me last night that he found someone who did have two tarantulas. So I was like, sweet! But then he said, "But, they're very poisonous, so no one ever gets to hold them." Grrr. I'll find one eventually. He told me he'll tell me if he finds anyone else who has one.

Just Breathe

2009-09-22T13:24:00.000-06:00

Alright, sorry about the mental breakdown that was my last post. Well, I suppose no one was having to see the actual breakdown, but when I read that post today it still seems a little crazy. Not that how I was feeling was crazy. I'm sure it's normal to feel that way when you break up with your boyfriend of three years whom you love very much. But I just don't want to be that way. I want to be stronger. And today I am doing better. I've only cried a few times, have kept things under control. Josh even came by to get a couple things and we talked for about twenty minutes and I was able to enjoy just talking to him. Wasn't Miss Doom-and-Gloom. So, progress. I have several good friends who I know will help me work through this, help me keep my mind off of it, or be there when I need a shoulder to cry on. I trust myself that I can do this. That it will be for the better.

God, this hurts.

2009-09-21T23:09:00.000-06:00

So, I made a pretty big change today. One that I think will be for the better, but right now it is so painful, and so hard to see the good that I think will come out of it.

I broke up with my boyfriend, Josh, and he moved out. We've been together almost three years now, and I love him madly, but I just don't see myself actually spending my life with him. He's an amazing guy, but I just need something...different. And it sucks SO much. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out while trying to type this, and all I feel is a big hole in my chest where my heart should be. It's terrible. Really, really terrible.

So maybe you're asking why I even did it if I'm in such pain right now. Well, for a while now I've had this nagging in the back of my head that he just isn't right for me. That he doesn't fit with my vision of what I want for my life. And I've tried to put it off and put it off and reason that there are so many great things about the relationship (because there were), but that feeling just wouldn't go away. So I followed it. My intuition, my gut, whatever it is that was telling me I should take a leap of faith and look for something different. I'm trying to learn to let go of things that don't fit with what I want anymore.

But I love him so much. And I'm trying very hard to believe that I'm strong enough to get through the pain, but right now I don't feel strong at all. I feel so weak. I feel like nothing's going to make this pain go away. I just hope I'm right. Hope that Josh and I will eventually be happier, better people for it. Please, God, let me be right.

Goal accomplished, but...

2009-09-20T21:08:00.001-06:00

Well, it's been a month since I said I was going to get over my phobia of spiders, and I can successfully say that I have accomplished this.

When I saw a spider up in a web in the corner of our living room the other day, I just calmly asked Josh if he would take care of it later. When I go down into the basement, my mind is not focused on, "Am I going to see a spider?" it's just thinking about whatever task I'm doing down there. When I'm walking outside and I see a spider, I don't feel myself freak out and want to get away as fast as possible. I imagine this is how other people feel. And it's wonderful. I'm so proud of myself because when I started this, I couldn't even look at a picture without feeling my heart race. I thought, "Rebecca, how are you going to do this? How are you going to be okay with seeing spiders around? How are you going to convince yourself that they're not out to get you?" But somehow, I did. Because I really really wanted it. It's great to not have this fear anymore.

However, there is something that disappoints me. I promised myself and my readers that I would post a picture of me holding a tarantula, but as of right now I have not had the opportunity to do this. I know I can--I can see myself clearly in my mind's eye holding the tarantula and being at peace and being so happy that I can do it. But I haven't figured out where I can get one yet to do this, and I'm sorry. I'm thinking of asking the people at the pet store if I can, but I really don't think they're interested in me holding some of their merchandise just so I can prove that I've gotten over my phobia. However, I promise that as soon as I get the chance, I will get a picture of me holding one and post it on here.

So readers, if any of you have a phobia, and it's something you really don't like about yourself, you CAN make it go away. It's hard at first, but anything in life that's worth doing is hard. Now I have to figure out what the next thing I'm going to work on is. I've put so much energy into this, that I forgot my month was coming to an end and I would have to figure out something else to change. If I have that figured out by tomorrow I'll make a post about it. Oh, and keep your fingers crossed that I'll be able to hold a tarantula soon.

Quick Update

2009-09-17T15:32:00.000-06:00

Figured I should post an update just so the few people who follow this don't think I've abandoned this blog or something. Things have been kind of crazy in my life lately and since I don't have this blog to write about all of that, I haven't had much to update about.

What I can say is, I am still doing a lot better when it comes to being around spiders. I, surprisingly, have not seen a single one in my house other than in the basement since I've started this, but I still see them outside and whatnot, and they really have not been bothering me. The other day I saw the little one behind the light switch catch a bug. And then I didn't see it eat it, but the bug was gone later, and for the first time in my life I actually appreciated that spiders help control the bug population.

It's such a relief to not have this crippling fear anymore. Now when I'm going down into the basement I'm not on edge the entire time, afraid I'm going to see a spider. And it's great that I can now control that. I couldn't control me being forced to quit my job. I can't control women being bitches toward me. I can't control a lot of things in my life, but at least I can control this. At least I can look at a spider, and if I want to kill it, I can, without having a panic attack first. And sometimes I don't even feel the need to kill it. Right now I definitely think I could hold a tarantula, the thought doesn't freak me out anymore, but unfortunately I have still not found anyone who has one. :-( I would really like to be able to do that by the 20th, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I'll figure something out.

Still Working on It

2009-09-05T15:28:00.000-06:00

The past few days have been pretty nice. The day before yesterday I went to be pet store because they finally had the tarantula in. And guess what my reaction was? "Aw, it's so cute." No, seriously, it was, at least as cute as a spider could be. It was all black with light pink "toes" and it was just a baby, so it was only about 3-4 inches wide. Still much larger than any spider I deal with on a regular basis, but it was small for a tarantula. But I didn't want to hold it because I don't think it would be as impressive to hold a baby one, plus I don't know if the people at the pet store would have let me. And there was no one there to take a picture of me in all my braveness. So then I went to see my old school teacher who had the tarantulas to ask if I could hold one of them in the near future. I figured he wouldn't have a problem with that since he knew me. But unfortunately, I was informed he doesn't work there anymore. :( So, at this point I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to hold one, but I'm confident I'll figure something out by the 20th. Oh, and since we've had such good weather the past few days I've been running/walking on some local nature trails and have seen a lot of spiders on them. And none of them bothered me. :) I did see what looked like a hobo spider so I made sure to not get up close to it, but the rest, I stopped, examined them, and did not feel one bit of anxiety or fear. I also killed a couple spiders in the basement the other day without freaking out or asking Josh to do it for me. I'm really enjoying feeling the phobia slowly lose it's grip on me. It's liberating being able to examine a spider and not feel my heart race. Well, that's all for now. Hopefully I'll be able to post me with a tarantula soon.

Weird Dream

2009-09-01T14:26:00.000-06:00

Last night I had a very strange dream and feel like sharing. Now, most of the time, I do not remember a single dream I have at night. I know I have them because everyone dreams and I remember some, but I usually only recall about one a week. So it was interesting that I was able to remember this one because I think it kind of relates to what I've been working on.

Josh and I were at the pet store, looking to buy a tarantula. They told us the only one they had had a giant moth on it's head. And I mean a giant moth, like six inches wide. We looked at it and decided we'd take it. After bringing it home, my cat Darla was of course trying to get at it inside its cage, and the moth was bugging me. So I told Josh we should take the moth off its head. We opened the cage and it jumped out at me, on to my hand. It startled me at first, but I was okay and Josh removed the moth. Then I just kept holding the spider, examining it. I remember it feeling soft, very soft, like how my cat feels. Obviously tarantulas don't feel like that, but that's how it felt to me in my dream. I started liking the spider a lot, and I told Darla that she was to do no harm to it. I remember holding it a lot and talking to it.

And that was it. Weird, right? And another thing is, I generally do not have weird dreams (at least that I remember). They're always completely normal stuff like me being at work or going out with my friends, etc. So, I don't know, maybe this is a good sign. Maybe it's showing that my mind can think of them in a good, non-threatening way. 'Cause I guarantee you I've never had a good dream about a spider, let alone a giant one, before. But I did look up a couple things in a dream dictionary online to see if I felt it related to anything else in my life, just for kicks.

Moth--To see a moth in your dream, indicates that unseen irritations and damage will not surface until it is too late. It is important to pay attention to minor details and not overlook things or others. Alternatively, the moth may symbolize your weaknesses and character flaws.

Spiders--To see a spider in your dream, indicates that you are feeling like an outsider in some situation. Or that you may want to keep your distance and stay away from an alluring and tempting situation. The spider is also symbolic of feminine power. Alternatively, a spider may refer to a powerful force protecting you against your self-destructive behavior. (from dreamcodes.com)

Since the moth was the strangest thing in the dream to me, I think it may have been there because I've been working a lot on what I see as weaknesses and character flaws in myself. And for the spider, other than the fact that I've been thinking about them a lot lately, I definitely feel like an outsider at my job a lot of the time. Most of the people there don't like me, and some days are hard. There is also definitely some feminine power that I could be using to my advantage right now, a lot more than I have been, but I do not want to. So there's my interpretation of it based on what that site said. Anyone have any other insights?

The Spider in My Basement

2009-09-01T01:02:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I saw the first spider in my house since I've started trying to get over my fear of them. It wasn't crawling on the wall or the carpet or anything. Or on the ceiling. That's the worst. Knowing they could just jump on your head at any moment... Anyway. It was just chilling in it's web in our basement slightly behind the light switch. You know, close to where I put my hand to flick it on. But when I saw it, I didn't freak out and yell for Josh to come kill it. Granted, it is only about the size of a quarter, and it doesn't look like a dangerous one, but that would have been my reaction in the past. Instead, I got my laundry, and then before I flicked the light off I talked to it for a minute. Yeah, I'm a freak, but talking to it put me at ease. I let it know that it was okay for it to be there, that I wasn't going to harm it because I now realize it isn't going to harm me. That it's not out to get me. And that by that little spider being there, it means there aren't any other (worse) spiders in the nearby vicinity, which I am grateful for. That I appreciate it eating the other bugs in the basement for me because while I'm not scared of them, I sure don't like bugs. I was playing with the thought of having Josh get it for me and watch it walk around, but I decided I didn't want to move it from its web. It did look peaceful. I definitely consider this a victory for me because in the past I would have freaked out about a spider being so close to somewhere I put my hand and it would have been dead pretty soon. But as I sit here, knowing it's down there, knowing I'll see it again, I am not afraid. Tomorrow I'll be calling the pet store again to see if a tarantula has come.

Our pet store sucks.

2009-08-28T17:35:00.000-06:00

It really does. I live in a lame-ass small town and there's only one. So I went to it today to see if they had a tarantula that I could look at, but they were out. Stupid. So I've settled for printing out a life-sized picture of a tarantula and touching it. Gosh, people without a phobia probably think that sounds really stupid. What's wrong with touching a picture? Well, it's actually not bad now. But a while ago it was. *touches picture* Yup, I'm doing good. It's not freaking me out any more because it's not like it's actually a giant spider right next to me. Really wish the pet store would have had some tarantulas in today. Oh well, I will try next week. I'm also doing better with the visualizing of holding one. My mind isn't getting scared and pulling away so much. It's allowing me to properly see what I want to. So yeah, sorry this is kind of a boring update, but I just felt like making a post. Happy Friday, all!

Watching Arachnophobia

2009-08-27T14:58:00.000-06:00

So last night I did it. I watched that movie. And I did very well. For anyone else who's seen this movie, they probably don't think it's that scary unless they too have an irrational fear of spiders. It's just a simple "horror" flick about how a couple people discover a species of spiders that act like ants or bees, and they somehow get into a small town in America and start killing off the town. Pretty unlikely. However, had I tried watching this movie in the past...well that's just it. I would have never ever watched this movie unless by force or something. Why would I have tortured myself like that? I'm not one of those people who enjoys being scared.

But I watched it, and I was fine. Of course I jumped at the couple parts where the music surges and a giant spider jumps on somebody's face or something, but I think most people do that. But when it was just showing the smaller spiders walking around, or even when they got on somebody, I didn't freak out. I watched it calmly, making sure I wasn't letting my heart rate go up, not wincing or looking away. Once the movie was done, I wasn't super paranoid or anything, either. And no problems getting to sleep, no nightmares. So take THAT, scary spider movie! You don't scare me.

Today I went on a walk with one of my friends on a walking trail, and we saw a spider on the path. It was just a gray one, a little larger than a quarter around. I crouched down close to it and put my hand about an inch away. This was kind of hard for me to do because for some reason I always think that spiders are out to get me and that it was going to crawl on my hand and bite me. But of course, this did not happen. The spider stayed where it was, probably terrified that we were going to do something to it. I didn't have the courage to try to pick it up yet, but I think what I did was good. Certainly better than I would have done in the past. Tomorrow is my day off, and I think I will go to the pet store and try being close to some tarantulas without freaking out.

Baby Steps

2009-08-23T15:19:00.000-06:00

Over the past few days I have just been working on being able to look at pictures of spiders without freaking out. And I've been getting a lot better, I'm happy to report. As I'm writing this post I'm having to look at this spider. And I'm not freaking out and closing the page. :) It is ugly though, don't you think? Yeah, I think certainly think so. But I also have to remind myself that I will probably never encounter a spider that looks like this. Most of the spiders I've seen in my life have not been bigger than a silver dollar, and it's very rare for one to be that big. I also think this one looks a lot creepier than a tarantula, so even though a tarantula will be a lot bigger than I'm used to, I'll be cool with it (in theory). As Blue Moon suggested, I have been trying to visualize myself holding a spider, or even going near one. This has proved to be kind of difficult. Partly because I'm not very good at visualization, partly because I see myself pulling away if I do effectively visualize it. Oh, and I found an article on getting over this particular phobia that said to start with a toy or a picture and just get used to looking at it. Then try and touch it. Now, I think I'm pretty good with looking at them now (still haven't closed the page, lol), but it still freaks me out to touch a picture of a spider. Stupid, right? But I'm going to start working on that next. And later this week I'm going to try watching Arachnophobia. If I can do that without completely having a panic attack, then my next plan is to go to the local pet store. If I remember correctly they sell tarantulas, so I would like to just try to get used to being near them while they're in cages and whatnot.

Oh, and I have not seen a single spider since I have decided to do this. Which kind of disappoints me. God has always been pretty good to me and made it so I have never been in places where I see spiders all the time. But I've asked Josh (my brave spider killer) to not immediately kill a spider next time he sees one. To give me a chance to see if I can handle seeing it, being near a small one, when it's just roaming free. We'll see.

Arachnophobia

2009-08-20T14:10:00.000-06:00

Arachnophobia is a specific phobia, an abnormal fear of spiders and other arachnids. It is among the most common of all phobias. The reactions of arachnophobics often seem irrational to others (and sometimes to the sufferers themselves). People with arachnophobia tend to feel uneasy in any area they believe could harbor spiders or that has visible signs of their presence, such as webs. If arachnophobics see a spider they may not enter the general vicinity until they have overcome the panic attack that is often associated with their phobia. In some cases, even a picture or a realistic drawing of a spider can also evoke fear. They may feel humiliated if such episodes happen in the presence of peers or family members.--Wikipedia

This is me. I have pretty severe arachnophobia. I will not go into a place in which I think there might be spiders (e.g. hate going into basements). My pulse races and I get uneasy and scared when I look at a fucking picture of a spider. There have been many occasions when I have broken into tears upon seeing a spider that scared me a little more than normal (and yes, doing this in front of people is humiliating). Not being able to simply kill something that I am 10,000 times bigger than is ridiculous. I was trying to find a picture of a spider that I could stand to look at long enough to put with this post. I couldn't do it. Just looking at the picture gives me the all too real sensation that I am actually in the presence of that spider.

I was not always afraid of spiders. I will tell you the exact instance in which it happened. As a little girl, spiders and other bugs did not bother me much. Sure, I didn't like to play with them or anything like that, but did I mind going into a giant bush just because a spider might be there? Hell no! Heck, I even used to sit and watch the black widows in the bushes (mildly dangerious, I guess, but I was a kid and didn't know better because I saw no reason to be afraid of them). They were kind of beautiful to me. Perfect shiny black bodies with that bright red hourglass. I wish you guys could tell how my body tenses now when I describe that. Anyway, it wasn't something that I ever imagined could make me cry and feel powerless. But one day, my best friend Madelyne and I were playing with our Barbies outside. We had everything all set up, and then we noticed a rather large, ugly spider on the wall very close to us. Even though we weren't afraid, per se, we didn't want it there, and we didn't want to move our stuff, so Madelyne agreed to get her dad to kill it for us. Her dad came, and I was standing a little off to the side, waiting for him to kill it. He picked the spider up, came close to both of us, and dangled it in our faces. Madelyne ran away, but for some reason I stood there, paralyzed with fear. After the longest 15 seconds or so of my life, I was able to run away, but the damage was done. Ever since then, I have had arachnophobia. For a while I was very angry at Joe (her dad) for doing this to me. But I have since forgiven him, and now I would just like to figure out a way to get over it.

I have made up my mind, and I am going to conquer my fear of spiders. I don't expect to ever like them, but I would like to be able to just kill one like a normal person without freaking out, to go into a place without first worrying, Are there spiders there?, or to look at a picture or see one in a movie without freaking out. For this, I am giving myself a month. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to do it, but I do believe it is possible, especially considering I remember the time when I was not afraid. I've been reading different articles that give ways that are supposed to re-write your brain or things like that so you don't have the phobia anymore. I think I'm also going to try meditating on something like, "I feel peace around spiders." Heck, maybe reading up on the good things they do will help since for a long time I have been convinced that spiders are inherently evil. A friend also recommended I watch Arachnophobia. At this point I couldn't imagine watching that movie, it would be the ultimate horror movie to me, but I think if I could watch it without completely freaking out that will show I have come a ways.

But for my final challenge, to really show myself I have gotten over it, I want to hold a tarantula. In 7th grade, in our biology class, we got to see a tarantula. The teacher owned two, and for some reason I didn't mind one of them. I'd even tap on the glass and say hi to it each day I got into class (call me a dork if you wish). This was the one he eventually took out to show to us. He even invited us to hold it if we wished. One girl spoke up quickly and said she wanted to hold it. The entire time he was showing us, I had this feeling that I really wanted to hold it, that it would probably help me if I could, but the other girl monopolized all the time with it, so alas, it didn't happen. Now I want to try for that again. But I know if I just went into a place with one today, there would be no way I could do it. I'm giving myself a month to work on this. If I can get over this fear faster, fantastic, but it really is something that is pretty deep-rooted in me. I think I was about 8-years-old when I became afraid, so it's been about 13 years. Oh, and I promise to post a picture of me holding the tarantula, looking totally chill. :)

Wish me luck, guys, I'm gonna need it.

Patience is in the bag, yo.

2009-08-20T04:16:00.000-06:00

Well, kind of. I'd say that in these two weeks that I have consciously worked on being patient in all aspects of my life I have greatly improved. At work, it's really not much of an issue anymore. I'm not getting annoyed with slow-ass customers (as easily) because I realize it doesn't help anything. I've been much better at being patient with Josh when he's taking forever to do something by simply distracting myself with another task and remembering that I don't want to start a fight. And with little things like having to wait in line at the store and whatnot? Peace of cake now. I'm sure it will still be hard sometimes, but this has really helped me to focus on changing this aspect of myself that I have never liked. I said I was going to start meditating to help me with this, and I did do it a little bit, but I really need to start making a better effort to include it into my routine every day. If not even for helping me be more patient, just for all the other benefits it has. So I'll keep you updated on whether or not I'm doing better with that.

Tomorrow, or, I guess later today, seeing as it is 4:23 in the morning (effing Lost...), I will post about what I'm working on changing next.

Yay for Me!

2009-08-18T12:46:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a pretty fun day. It was mine and Josh's day off from work, but instead of sitting around like we normally do, we went to Salt Lake City for the day. We had some shopping we wanted to do, I had a modeling gig, and Josh got to see one of his friends. Ooh, and we went to Olive Garden. Yum! So yeah, the good stuff was I got some jeans that fit (finally!) and it didn't even take very long to find them, I made good money for very little work, and Olive Garden was delish as always.

But what made me very happy is that while we were in the stores that Josh wanted to look at, I wasn't being rude and telling him he was taking too long and getting super impatentient. Yay! I am infamous for doing that. I'm so so bad about people looking around a store without any real purpose. Don't get me wrong--I love to shop. But when I shop, it's like, Okay, I want this, I'm going to go here to find it, I found it, great, we're done. I don't really like to just wander around and look at stuff with no real intention of buying. But for some reason this is what my boyfriends like to do. And usually I turn into a bitch after about ten minutes of it. But not yesterday. Nope, even though I definitely could have gone earlier than we did at each of the stores, I kept my mouth shut and occupied myself with trying to find stuff that I wanted to look at. It wasn't really fun for me, but I was proud that I wasn't ruining it for Josh and causing us to fight. Because not everything I do is fun for him but he very rarely complains. So yeah, another small victory. :) Tomorrow is the last day I'm going to be officially just focusing on my patience before moving on to something else. Tonight I work, and then I'm off again tomorrow. I believe it's not really a big issue anymore, and this makes me very happy.

I think I'm getting better.

2009-08-16T01:53:00.000-06:00

The last couple of days I haven't updated because I try not to make mind-numbingly boring blog posts. Basically haven't had anything terribly interesting to say. Just wanted to make a short one today to say that I am definitely getting better with being patient. I got my meditation CD yesterday (woot!), and I've tried one so far and I enjoy it. Tonight before going to bed I will try the bedtime meditation and see how that goes. I will also try meditating upon waking tomorrow (I admit, I've been slacking and haven't done that yet) and see what kind of tone that sets for the day. Oh, and I kept my promise and did not check the tracking on my CD even once. Yay for small victories! :-D

The only situation that has been a struggle for me the past couple of days was work, at night. I'm the assistant manager at work, and I close all the nights I work. We're training a new manager to run his own store, so he's been closing with me a couple nights this week, and it's actually been kind of hard. He's definitely a competent, nice guy, so it wasn't his fault. I think it's a little bit of a mix of me being impatient and me wanting to be in control. Probably more the latter than the former, because I just remembered how I was slow when I first started doing the paperwork, and then that wasn't a big deal. It's more the fact that I wasn't in control. This is another thing I'm going to have to work on in the future, but don't think I'm quite ready for it yet. My two weeks will be up pretty soon, and I think I'll be able to successfully say that I've become a much more patient person. Of course it is something I will constantly have to work on, but I have improved a great deal already.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, I have decided what I'm going to change next. Just a hint--it's a phobia...

Working on it...

2009-08-13T03:52:00.000-06:00

Today Josh was really testing my patience. Am I just being a bitch to think he should not sleep all day? And by all day, I literally mean all day, save one hour to get a haircut and pick up some stuff at Wal-Mart. I was doing what I normally do on my days off--running around the house catching up on all the chores and stuff I don't have time for during the week, cooking the meals, running errands, etc. and he was just lying there sleeping. So I gave him a couple very small things I wanted him to get done (because I have to tell him specific things or nothing gets done), and he tells me, "Okay, I'll do those soon." An hour or two later, they're still not done. I gently remind him. "Okay, I'll do that soon." Patience starts to wear thin. I did yell at him a little, but nothing near what I would have done in the past. I realized what I was doing and walked away to do something else to get my mind off it. So overall, I'd say I did pretty good. But seriously, people, am I being ridiculous and impatient to want a little freaking help when I'm working my butt off and he's putting off the two small tasks I gave him? *sighs* Oh, I didn't get a chance to meditate today. Probably should have because of how I was feeling, but whatever. Off to watch Lost now.

My First Try

2009-08-12T01:30:00.000-06:00

I've really been wanting to start meditating, but it will be a few more days before my CD arrives, so tonight I tried the good ol' just sit there and try to clear your mind technique. I decided to do it for as long as I could stand before my mind started really wandering, just focusing on my breathing. I lasted six minutes. Kind of pathetic, but I really like to move! And think! And it's just so hard to not be conciously not doing anything. But I think it would be helpful to start my days out like this because right now it really did help me clear my mind though. Today has been kind of crappy. I slept in a lot later than usual because Josh woke me up by yelling at me for something, which made me really not want to do anything. But once I finally did get up, I was okay. Went and played some racquetball (which involved a lot of laughing 'cause I suck!) to work off the negative energy that was surrounding me like a cloud, and then Josh went and played a joke on one of our co-workers which was hella funny. Oh, and for me to see it, it required me to stand and wait in one spot for about 15 minutes. Thank goodness I've been working on my patience! Hoping for a better day tomorrow. Maybe I'll try meditating for 10 minutes.

I Stayed Chill

2009-08-11T03:51:00.000-06:00

So today was just alright, but it was pretty good as far as my patience went. I went to my spinning class like I usually do three times a week, and there are three other people who I go with. Then afterward, we usually all weight lift for about an hour. Well, two of them decided to leave right after spinning, so it was just me and my friend, Jared. Which was fine, it used to be just me and him that worked out anyway. Well, he got a call from one of his new friends, who just felt like talking right then, so he ditched me and I didn't weight lift because I don't like to do it alone.

Anyway, that relates because I went home in a pretty irritable mood. I woke Josh up even though he was sleeping (keep in mind it is 1:30 in the afternoon, though), and he didn't want to get up, but he did. So I made us a snack and then had some errands to run so I left the house. By the time I got back it was time for lunch so I made that and then tried to wake Josh up again. Well, he didn't want to wake up. So I felt myself starting to get angry. Impatient. I started nagging him and then realized what I was doing and stopped. I went downstairs and ate lunch by myself and told him he could come down when he wanted. He never ate lunch. But I didn't get upset with him which was the goal. I was especially happy with myself considering I was already pissy, and he even admitted that it was lame of him to just sleep until we had to go to work. But on the plus side, work was pretty good tonight. Just chill, and we got done on time. Woot. I'm looking forward to the next two days off. And my meditation CD should be coming any day now.

Just Another Day

2009-08-09T02:44:00.000-06:00

I wanted to start by thanking my followers for their supportive, helpful comments regarding my last post. It is true that some of the things about me that drive wedges into my relationships can be changed. I don't think all of them can, but some for sure, and that is what I'll be working on, one thing at a time. Baby steps.

Today went well again. I was patient with Josh when I asked him to do a couple things around the house. He didn't do them right when I wanted them done, but they got done, and that is what ultimately matters, so I'm proud that I bit my tongue and resisted the urge to nag him to do it faster, which is what usually goes down. Then at work my patience got tested several times by dumbfuck customers.

Sidenote: If you ever order pizza, please have your order ready before you call the pizza place. While growing up, my family always did this. I just thought it was a given that this was how pizza ordering went. But for many people, it's not. Therefore, I sit on the phone for five minutes while there are pizzas waiting to be made and drivers waiting to be checked out while the customer discusses with their family/friends what they want to order. Please don't be that person.

Anywho, I did well with these customers tonight. While standing there, listening to them talk about what they should get, instead of fuming and becoming angry that they were wasting my time, I just went to a happy place in my head. And once again, it felt good to not be expending negative energy, especially on something that really isn't worth it.

Let's delve a little deeper...

2009-08-08T14:40:00.000-06:00

Last night, while trying to go to bed and being unsuccessful because of my sunburn, I started thinking more about why I'm doing this blog and doing this whole changing a bunch of things about myself in general. It is because I want to be a better person. A person that I like more and can look at and be happy with who I am. But I realized that there's another reason.

It's because I'm afraid. Afraid of what? Afraid that I'm not going to be loved. Afraid of being such a terrible person that I push away those who love me. Afraid that there are things about me that are crappy that I'm not capable of changing. This really scares me. You see, I've been with Josh for a while now, and he's kind of crazy about me, but ever since we've started living together, it seems like he's loving me less and less because he's realizing what kind of person I actually am. That I'm selfish, and critical, and bossy, and harsh, and some of these are things I can change and some I can't. I don't know how. They're just so engrained in my personality, and I never thought they were flaws but they seem to slowly be driving him away, and I'm scared because I love him so much. This happened with my ex. He thought I was great at first. Even said he loved me after a little while. But then things changed. I got really angry and didn't love him anymore, but it wasn't just about that. There were a lot of other things he didn't like about me. Even now, with us just being friends, he realizes we would never work because there are just so many things that make me...unloveable, I guess. And I'm not saying I'm unloveable to everyone; I have a few good friends that I know will always be there for me, as will my parents. It's just with the opposite sex that I worry about. With that person who has to live with me and deal with me all the time. I'm afraid people can't do it because there's so much that drives them away, that makes it crappy for them. I'm scared that Josh is going to eventually break up with me, and if he does I'll be heartbroken, but I could find someone else. But then they would see past my happy, attractive exterior and realize why no one else wanted to stay with me.

So yeah, I guess that's a big reason that I'm doing this. I just want to change all the bad things about me that I know I can. And I hope that will be enough. Because otherwise, I'm afraid I'll just be alone. And that really does scare me. I'm not the type of woman who needs a guy. But if I know there's a great guy out there that I want and I could work well with, then it would be terrible to know I couldn't have that just because of my crappy personality.

Wow, didn't really mean to get so personal and so whiney there, but it felt good to write that.

UPS is lame, but whatev.

2009-08-07T01:41:00.000-06:00

Today was a good day, as well. It was pretty fun, actually. We had a little end-of-Summer BBQ with most of our work crew at our local river, and that was nice. It was actually the first time I'd gone swimming all Summer. How sad is that? Well, that's what happens when one lives in Wyoming. I ended up with a slight sunburn because I forgot sunscreen but it's not too bad. Oh, and I learned how to perfectly roast a marshmallow. Something that I had not yet learned in my 21 years on this earth. Yeah, can you tell I'm not much of an outdoors girl?

Anywho, things went well again as far as me not being impatient. Another small step for me today was not getting hella pissed at UPS. You see, I ordered some DVDs off the internet, and the site gave me the tracking number and the estimated arrival for my package. Today was when they were supposed to arrive. Today was when they were in Evanston, out for delivery, according to the tracking site. But for some reason UPS is lame and they always give my package to USPS (wha?) which delays it one day. Every other time this has happened I have been really irritated all day because I just want my package NOW, and curse UPS's name for doing this stupid thing they do. But today, I was chill. I knew it was going to happen and didn't even really think about it. I figured, whatever, I'll get it tomorrow, it's not a big deal. And you know, it truly isn't. I don't know why I devoted so much negative energy to it in the past, all because I didn't want to wait 24 more hours. How silly of me. I'm feeling good about this new "being patient" thang. Now wish me luck when Josh decides to take forever getting ready again. ;)

Waiting...

2009-08-06T01:50:00.000-06:00

Today went pretty well. I didn't encounter much of anything that really tried my patience, so that was good. No annoying customers at work ('cause it was HELLA slow), no Josh taking forever to do anything. So yeah, we're good so far. :-) Last night I looked for my meditation CD that I was gonna break out today but failed to locate it. I hope I didn't leave it with my ex... Who knows. Anyway, today I decided to just buy the new one that I've been wanting. It's produced by the same girls who made Yoga Booty Ballet (which I love), and it has four different specific mediations on it, so I'm really looking forward to that. But I want it to be here NOW! Haha, well, at least that's how I've thought in the past. I'm taking this having to wait for the CD as my first opportunity to demonstrate patience. I'm not going to constantly think about when it's going to be here and complain that it isn't coming fast enough. Not even going to check the UPS tracking site every eight hours. No, siree. It'll come when it does, and there's nothing I can do to make it go faster. Ahh. That feels better.

Patience

2009-08-05T01:48:00.000-06:00

After thinking a lot about what the first thing I want to change should be, I have decided that it would be a very good thing for me to become more patient. I have always been a rather impatient person, from childhood up until now. It sometimes makes parts of my day unpleasant, especially for those around me if my impatience is linked to them. But if I could change this, if I could stop getting so irrationally upset with a situation or a person, then I think I could be much happier. Not that I'm an unhappy person generally, but I often get really irritated at work or with my boyfriend because of this flaw of mine.

So, how do I plan on changing it, you ask? Well, I'm not exactly sure of everything I'm going to do yet, but I did find this article that had some pretty good tips in it: http://www.wikihow.com/Be-Patient. I plan on following a lot of that, especially the tip about writing when I'm in a situation that's causing me to freak out because it's not happening fast enough. When that's happening, if it's an option, I'll hop on the computer and do a quick blog entry to help me cool down and figure out why the heck I'm focusing so much negative energy on something trivial. For instance, a lot of fights with my boyfriend, Josh, are started because I'm being impatient with him. He's a rather patient person, and I admire this about him, so it's easy to see why he wouldn't understand that it bothers me when he takes a half hour simply to get ready to go to the store, etc. So then I get pissy because he's not moving fast enough and I'm all ready to go and then we fight and it's crappy and I sit there wondering what causes me to be such a bitch and not just be patient with him. It would be so much better for the both of us. Another way I plan on achieving this is by starting to meditate. I've always known that it's a good thing to do, but why don't I do it? Because it's just me, sitting there, doing nothing! *gasp* Rebecca doing nothing? How silly! Just like most women, I love to multitask. I love to always be doing something productive, or at least fun. And if I'm not multitasking, I better be doing something. So the thought of meditating has always come across to me as a bit of a waste of time. But, now I realize it may very well help me in becoming a more patient, calm person. I have a CD that was given to me a while ago that simply has music on it to meditate to, and I also plan on buying another CD that has specific, guided meditations. I'll let you know how this goes. It'll probably be hard and awkward at first, but I'm hoping it'll help with time.

For each of the things I want to change, I'm going to give myself a certain amount of time just to focus on that before moving on to something else. Hopefully by the time I'm done with each thing it'll be something that has become part of my life and I can easily do it while focusing on other stuff. For this, I am going to give myself two weeks, starting today. When I find myself getting frustrated with Josh, I'm going to take a few breaths and remember my goal. When I'm dealing with a slow-ass customer at work, I'm going to just accept that I can't change the situation, so getting upset will only hurt myself. Also, since I'm all about doing stuff, I figure maybe if I'm having to wait for someone, I'll find something else to do in that time. As it stated in the article, a distraction can be amazingly helpful while you're waiting for something to happen. Looking forward to a new, more patient me!

What This is About

2009-07-31T15:34:00.000-06:00

For my first post, I guess I should tell a little about me, and what this blog is going to be about. Not that I'm really sure anyone other than me is going to read this, but just in case.

My name is Rebecca, and I'm 21 years old. I live with my boyfriend in a small town in Wyoming. When I decide to do something, I'm the type of person who can usually just put my mind to it and do it. I've done this with a lot of other things in my life before. So, I've been thinking a lot about my life lately, and have realized there are a lot of things that I want to change. These are things about me: my personality, ways I handle stuff, etc., things about my situation, and maybe some other stuff that I haven't even though of yet. Anyway, I started thinking about how I can go about changing all of this, and it just kind of overwhelmed me. Like I said, when I decide to change something, I can usually do it, but when I'm thinking of five different things at once, I don't imagine it will work the same.

So I've decided to start this blog to chronicle my journeys in changing the aspects of my life that I want to be different. I think it will help me to stay accountable, knowing that other people (maybe) are reading this, and it'll help me to take it just one step at a time. I believe that people should constantly be trying to progress and grow and make themselves and their lives better. What I'll be trying to change are all sorts of things. Some of them are deep-rooted and may be hard, some of them may seem superficial, but I think it will all make me a better, happier person. For my next post, I'll tell you what I'm going to focus on first.

Change is a Process

New Year's Resolutions 2010

Um...

*happy dance*

Expensive car repair AVERTED!

Yay for jobs!

Disappointed

Friend's Birthday

Avatar

Extra Hours

My House

Sherlock Holmes

Happy New Year!

New Year's Resolutions

Merry Christmas!

Drunkenness

Potential Job/Improvement

My Cat & New Cookware

My Body/Sleeping In

Kitchen/Models

Lack of Food Poisoning/Music Makes Everything Better

My Job/Working Late

Gratitude and Finding the Good in Everything

Cooking Blog

Huzzah!

On Again

Complications

Figuring Things Out

Quick Update

I'm Honored

Doing A Bit Better

Just Breathe

God, this hurts.

Goal accomplished, but...

Quick Update

Still Working on It

Weird Dream

The Spider in My Basement

Our pet store sucks.

Watching Arachnophobia

Baby Steps

Arachnophobia

Patience is in the bag, yo.

Yay for Me!

I think I'm getting better.

Working on it...

My First Try

I Stayed Chill

Just Another Day

Let's delve a little deeper...

UPS is lame, but whatev.

Waiting...

Patience

What This is About

happy dance