Um...

So, yeah, I would be really surprised if anyone was still reading this blog.  Haven't updated in months.  I guess I just haven't had much to say.  For the longest time now I've been working on just surviving, just getting by, so I haven't been really focusing too much on myself, on changes I want to make.

But something has changed.

I broke up with Josh again.  It actually happened about a month ago, but I guess I didn't want to write about it again until I was sure it was final.  And it is.  He moved out a little over a week ago, and it's been nice.  I know that it was the right thing for me this time, because it wasn't the same as all the other times.  It wasn't me losing my appetite for a week because I was so freaking depressed.  There wasn't a hole in my heart.  I didn't cry at a random thought of him.  At first it started as me saying I just wanted us to take a break because I wanted to be single for a bit.  Which was the truth.  Because since I started dating guys, at the age of 17, I've been in a relationship.  Never had any time to just be by myself and figure things out for me and not have to worry about someone else.  And I knew that I wanted that before I got married.  I needed it right now.  Josh got used to the idea after a couple weeks and said that he would wait and we could get back together when I was ready.  But then, since he moved out I had more time to examine our relationship, where it had been, where it was going, the dynamic of it, and I realized I wouldn't ever be happy for forever with him.  I would do this again and again and again.  Breaking up for some reason (so far:  another guy, we're just too different, I want to be single), and then getting back together again.  And it wasn't fair to him in the slightest.  I couldn't keep killing a little part of him every time I grow restless.  So I told him we're done for good.  Who knows, maybe I'm just not meant for marriage.

And now, for the first time since high school, I'm single.  Truly single.  It's odd, but nice.  I do get bored a little too easily, but I'm not lonely, which I think is a good sign.  I just need to figure out some activities to fill my time, maybe definitely find some more friends.  It is very nice though, not having to pick up after other people's messes.  Being able to walk around my house naked (TMI?  whatever, it's my blog), not getting upset at someone else because their schedule is completely different than mine, being able to flirt with guys and not feel guilty about it.  So that's what's been going on with me lately.  I plan on using this time to really focus on me and figure out what I want.  But at the moment, I have to just focus on figuring out how to pay my bills, do better at work, and stuff like that.  I'll post again when I have something more to say.