Gratitude and Finding the Good in Everything

Something I've always wanted to be is one of those people who is able to find the good in every situation and every person.  I've never been like that.  I consider myself a pretty optimistic and generally happy person, but I can also be very cynical and easily irritated by the little things.  This is something I'd like to change about myself because I really admire that trait in others.  I'd also like to do something to remind myself how grateful I am for all the good things in my life.

So while I'm doing my cooking project, I've also decided to do something simple for this blog.  Every day I'm going to post one thing that I am grateful for and something that I find good about a situation I'm in, someone I know, the place I live in, etc.  Maybe if I do this everyday it will become second nature to just see that all the time, and I'll finally be like all those people I admire.  I'll start today.

I'm grateful for my car.  My car is nothing "special" or particularly flashy.  It's a 2000 Hyundai Sonata that I got from a really great car dealer (didn't know those existed, did ya?) for a good deal right after I had totaled my very first car after a week of having it.  It's a dark green sedan, has a sun roof and a decent stereo system considering I've never done anything with it.  I've had this car since the summer of 2005 and it's been such a good car.  I've named it Stephen (everyone names their cars, right?...right?), and he has never let me down.  I hear crappy stories all the time from just about everybody I know about how their car gets flats constantly (ahem, Josh), about how it randomly breaks down on them, about how something went wrong and now it's costing them $2,000 to fix it.  So crappy.  Well, Stephen's freaking great.  In the little over four years that I've had him he's only ever gotten one flat.  And it's not because I keep up on my maintenance all great or anything like that.  I've only ever replaced all the tires once, and there have been a few occasions when I way over-inflated them and the mechanics were surprised I didn't have a blow-out.  And he's never broken down on me.  I have had to get some costly maintenance done a few times, but it's the normal stuff that you have to get done on any car.  But he always waited patiently for that maintenance to be done, driving well even if he was really overdue for an oil change or whatever needed to be done at the time.  So yeah, I love my car.  It's all paid off now and I plan to use it for as long as I can.

Now for something good...  I would say the fact that Josh and I have a roommate right now, his step-brother Pat, is actually a good thing.  When the idea was first brought up to me back in early September I almost immediately told Josh that I didn't want that.  I thought it would be weird, and he would be in the way, blah blah.  But when I lost my job and we were tight on money, I warmed up to the idea.  Now he's living with us and it's not bad.  It makes it so we have extra money, he's not really in the way or a bad roommate in any way, and I think it's nice for Josh because he always has a guy to hang out with. 

Cooking Blog

Well, I have finally started my cooking blog.  If you'd like, please follow me over there at Goddess of Cooking (in Training).  I'm starting with "The Comfort Table" by Katie Lee Joel so you're in for a lot of traditional Southern dishes.  Yum! 

If I decide I want to work on anything else other than cooking while I'm working on that, I'll post over here again, but otherwise I'll just be working on that blog for a while.  By the way, I enjoy my new job.  It's not crappy like I was afraid it was going to be.  The only downside is it's such lower pay than what I was making at my other job, but that's life.  I'm just happy that I'm working again.  And tomorrow I'm able to travel to my parents and bring a couple dishes because of that work. 

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! 

Huzzah!

I finally have a job, people!  I'm going in tomorrow for the paperwork and all that crap.  It definitely wasn't my first choice, but it is a job and I shall be grateful because now we'll be able to pay all our rent at the first of the month and buy groceries again.  How awesome is that? 

Speaking of buying groceries, I think I've decided what I want to do for my next "change."  I enjoy cooking a lot.  Ever since I got my own place back in January, with a semi-decent kitchen, and have had time to cook, I try to do it as often as I can.  It really is much cheaper than eating out, and since I live in a crap town with no good places to eat, it only takes about five days of eating out before there's absolutely nowhere we want to go and I just want to cook something delicious from one of my many cookbooks.  (Wow, run-on sentence much?)  However, despite my love for cooking, I think I'm pretty mediocre.  I can do the basic stuff, and do it fairly well, but there's a ton of different dishes I've never made, even if they're kind of easy.  Like making homemade macaroni and cheese.  (I know, right?)  It's kind of sad.  Because I want to get better.  I want to be a friggin' great cook.  A Goddess of Cooking.  Aww yeah.  I want Josh to always be excited about what I'm cooking instead of just being appreciative about the fact that I cook for him but not necessarily enjoying everything I make.  I want to know that the food I can make at home is better than anything the restaurants serve in this stupid town.  Now, maybe the fact that I try to cook mostly healthy stuff is what makes it so Josh isn't always excited about what I'm making.  But I'm kind of thinking about changing that.  Mixin' it up a little.  I've pretty much always had portion control on lockdown so even if I was making less than healthy meals, I doubt it would hurt me much, at least in the weight department. 

SO.  What to do to get better?  Ever since watching Julie & Julie (really cute movie, by the way), I thought the idea of picking a cookbook to cook all the recipes out of was super cool and a great way to get better and push your culinary boundaries.  So I think I'm going to do that, especially considering I've seen a lot of other blogs from people doing the same thing so it wouldn't be completely lame for me to copy the idea.  I own ten cookbooks, all different types of food and authors and styles of cooking.  And from each of these cookbooks, I've only cooked maybe five recipes, tops, from each.  Pathetic.  So sometime in the next week I'm going to pick a cookbook that I want to cook through.  None of the ones I own are anything terribly complex, but I know that if I actually cook through an entire book I will learn a lot and become more skilled in my techniques.  BUT, I don't want to turn this into a cooking blog.  I like the idea of having a separate blog for that.  So I've decided to create a different blog for all the cooking stuff, because I'm sure I'll want to continue with it even after I feel I've gotten past the point of mediocre, and I'll just take a break from this one for a while.  If you guys want to follow me and my culinary prowess (ha!) over there, then I'll post a link when I start posting.  I haven't actually chosen a cookbook yet, nor do I have the funds to buy food for the recipes.  Oh, and whenever I find a damn tarantula to hold, I'll post that back here.

On Again

After much deliberation, I have decided to try again with Josh.

I appreciated all the advice I got, and particularly thought it was good advice to wait a little while and see if he makes the changes he says he will. I planned on doing that actually. But the more I thought about it, I just didn't want to wait that long. I missed him, he missed me, and I guess I just wanted things to be back to normal and I'm just going to take his word that things will be better and that he will change because I know he wants this to work as much as I do. So he moved back in the other day, and things are going good so far. It also helps because I'm not as stressed about my financial situation now. Oh, and I had an interview yesterday so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I get the job!

This morning we did have a small fight about something that I didn't think would be an issue but it was to him. So, unlike in the past, I tried to really take his feelings into account and do what I could to make it better. He was still a little upset when I left the house to go exercise, but when I got back he was apologetic for getting upset, and he had cleaned up some parts of the house (he hardly ever cleaned in the past). So that's progress. :) He's also working on doing a couple other things right now that I think will be really good for him in the long run. I just had such a hard time giving up on our relationship, you know? I mean, I could have if I'd been with someone else, but once I realized I was going to be alone and he was telling me everything he was, I just couldn't do it. He used that "You make me want to be a better person" line. But I don't think he was lying when he said that, saying it just so I would get back together with him. I really do believe that he wants to be better/different than he has been. I think it will make him happier, not just me. So yeah, I'm happy again, and now I can finally focus on the next thing that I want to change about me. I'll make a post about that once I figure it out.

Complications

Ever since I told my friend I didn't think we could date, Josh has been trying to get back together with me. You know, I was doing good, starting to get used to the idea of being on my own, it was sad, but I had gotten used to it, but now he's trying to get me to come back to him. Not that I think this would be a terrible idea, I just am very cautious about it.

See, Josh and I talked yesterday about exactly everything that went wrong, both on my end and his. My end is pretty easily fixable, in fact, it already wouldn't be an issue anymore. His end, however, I'm not so sure. I told him how I needed someone more like me, someone who shared my vision for what I wanted for life and wasn't going to tell me I was silly or put me down or resent me for wanting what I do. I want someone who will be there with me, living and enjoying life right by my side. I don't want an ordinary life. I don't want to just float by, never experiencing the pure joy that life can bring. So I broke up with him because I felt (and he was showing) that he was not going to be what I wanted, he was not going to share my path.

But he said he's been thinking about it a lot lately and has realized that he does have to be more than he has been, if not for me than for the next girl he falls in love with. That he's sick of being boyfriend-material but not husband-material. And he told me that he could be what I wanted and we could live that wonderful life together. *sighs* I'm just so confused and unsure about what I want now. I love him so much, and I still miss him, but I'm so afraid of having to go through this all over again. And I don't want him to have to go through the pain all over again either. It's like I'm taking a pretty big risk no matter what I do. On one side, if I don't get back together with him, I'm taking a risk hoping I can find the man who wants what I want for life that I can also love and who will love me back. But on the other hand, if I do get back with Josh, I know that I'm getting that passionate, great love that we have, but I'm taking a risk in that I don't know if we'll work out this time, and we could get our hearts broken all over again... Why can't I just have everything? Haha.

Damn, I sound so whiney and lame. Sorry about that. But it's just how I feel. And this blog was never intended to be a place for me to pour out my thoughts about my relationships, but right now I can't really concentrate on anything else before I get all this stuff figured out for good. Any advice is always welcome.

Figuring Things Out

Tonight was kind of hard. I've mentioned on here a couple times, I think, that I have a really good guy friend who has been wanting to date me. Ever since I broke up with Josh, I figured I would give him a shot, but I had to get myself used to the idea first. Well, it's been over two weeks, and I still cannot feel what I need to feel for him. So I told him that today because it felt like I was basically leading him on, and I didn't want to keep doing that. He was sad, of course, and I felt terrible for hurting one of my good friends like that, but I had to be honest with how I felt. Sometimes I think it really sucks that I seem to have all the power in my relationships (or would-be relationships).

So now I'm really alone. And I don't know how exactly I'm going to pay my bills for the rest of the month. I think I'll be getting a job this next week, but that's still going to make me tight. I must believe that God will provide. I'm still missing Josh, too, but it's getting better. I've pretty much had steady boyfriends for the past four years. It'll be kind of weird to be alone for a little while.

Oh, I almost forgot to say thank you to my readers for the supportive and helpful comments you guys have been leaving. I really do appreciate it. :)

Quick Update

I realized I should probably make a quick post about how I'm doing. How I'm doing is better. Right now I'm a little confused, but the pain I was feeling last week is pretty much gone. I hardly cry about it anymore. It's more been replaced by loneliness, and by missing the things I used to do with him. But I know that'll get better, too. Right now I know that I need space and time to figure out what I want so that's what I'm try to give myself.

I have a guy friend who really wants to date me, but I've been friends with him so long that I'm having to try to get my mind to see him differently. We're really good friends, and we have great conversations, we're so alike in a lot of ways, agree about a lot of things, etc., so I figure we could probably be a good couple, but right now I just don't see him that way. However, I would like to give him a chance, so I'm working on it.